It’s been a while since I posted a life update for you guys and it’s been on my heart to candidly share everything that is going on. As you guys know I am very open and honest. I like to share my real life on this space because 1. I think the internet world could really use more realness and 2. It is my own personal release and therapy. Sharing my story and day-to-day life has helped me overcome some hard times. So here it goes…

I’ve always had an inner battle with myself. To do this day I don’t really know where my self-doubt and insecurities stem from, (I guess therapy would help with that)! When I got pregnant last year a lot of my issues and emotions increased and it only got worse after having Brady. Maybe it was the hormones or the immense changes my body and life were undergoing…but I haven’t had an easy time with myself.

The first major issue I have been dealing with (which I know a lot of moms go through) has been the changes in my body. I gained more weight than I wanted while pregnant and my past dealing with body issues rose to the surface once I had Brady. I know I share body positivity posts and I do my best to love the skin I am in…but it takes a lot of EFFORT and energy for me to actually feel good about myself.  Imagine the constant dread of having to get ready and in the end hating how you look 90% of the time. On top of it all having to photograph yourself for your job. It’s exhausting – mentally and emotionally. My job as “influencer” is reliant on how I look and feel and if I don’t look and feel good IT SHOWS. Which leads me to my second issue…this job…

Burnt out isn’t even the phrase to use here…I am down right confused about my content and my place in this space. Becoming a mom has flipped a switch internally and I find myself contemplating what to post every single day. Am I a mommy blogger now? Should I post candid family photos? Should I shoot editorial content on my camera? Do people even come to me for fashion anymore? and the questions go on and on. It’s time I do some soul searching and figure out the kind of content I want to produce that will make me happy and also appeal to you guys! Additionally, my engagement has plummeted which leads me to believe I’m posting things that don’t make sense to my readers. It has been a vicious cycle of trying new things every day and seeing zero results. To say I am disappointed in myself and my work is an understatement.

Lastly, becoming a mom has been so fulfilling and so extremely hard. You always hear that being a mom/parent is the hardest job on the planet and that statement could not be more true! Your baby becomes your entire world and sometimes you lose yourself in the process of motherhood. What has effected me specifically is the sleepless nights which leave you exhausted for the day! The exhaustion flows into other parts of your life…from eating habits to work. I used to pride myself in my work. I was a career woman, I ran my own small business. I craved work and I worked hard every day. Since having Brady I cannot tell you the amount of times I have thought “I wish I was a stay at home mom” “I wish I didn’t have to work” “Why do I have to post” WHAT?! I never in a million years thought that I would say those things! It makes me sad to think I would give this all up because I was tired, because I was having a challenging time as a new mom and because I didn’t necessarily like what I saw in the mirror at the moment.

That’s the jist of everything that has been going on with me internally. I have good days and I have bad days. Hopefully all will resolve itself with time and a bit of self-love. Thank you for reading!