It’s been so long since I wrote a life update for you guys. A LOT has been going on and I just haven’t had the time or energy to do it. In all honestly I’ve been avoiding it. There were (and are) so many emotions and feelings attached to what’s been going on in my personal life that it’s affected my job as a content creator. This is a LOADED post so if you’re not prepared to read a raw rant than I suggest clicking out.
Life has been tough since Octoberish (around the time when we were fighting to get the house). I honestly haven’t quite bounced back since then. I lost my way, my rhythm and my spirit – plain and simple. With a job that requires so much energy, so much of myself, it’s hard to mask the sadness and the lack of motivation within. When you’re in a bad place internally it’s the hardest thing to get ready and smile for the camera let alone shoot content you love so others love it too! I guess I wanted to do this post in detail to get all my feelings out, to let you guys know what’s been going on and hopefully to close out this crazy chapter and move on to something more positive and happy.
THE REMODEL took a toll on me. I mean getting the house was an obstacle on it’s own but living in your childhood bedroom with your husband and dog for 3 months is TOUGH. There was no organization with my belongings, clutter everywhere and a constant claustrophobic feeling. My parents are the best and I’m so thankful for them but living with them in such close corridors was hard. The remodel itself was hard too. Things went wrong (like 99% of remodels) but managing the job ourselves was just too much to handle! I highly suggest hiring a full interior designer to oversea every aspect with the contractor. It took a lot out of me planning wise and financially. But, I’m so so happy it’s done and we can enjoy the space now!
OVER DREAMING is something I am accustom to. I have always over dreamt my life. There are so many things I want to do that one thing leads to another that leads to another and before you know it I have 10 major projects going on at the same time! That’s basically what happened in the last 4 months. I had to continue my job as a content creator – fulfilling paid jobs as well as creating every day photos for myself. I had to oversea the remodel. We were trying to have a baby. I wanted to start promoting myself as a photographer for couples and baby photos. I wanted to start a small line of something or another…and the list goes on. I promised you guys so much content and never delivered and I felt so guilty for it (and still do)! All the over dreaming led to anxiety and a sleepless 4 months.
KEEPING UP with this job and my peers also took a toll on me. You guys know my struggles with comparison and insecurities. Well, imagine that when you feel unmotivated, ugly (yep I said it) and just not enough. Every time I would sign onto Instagram I would feel a sense of panic scrolling through the beautiful photos my blogger friends created that week. A ton of negative thoughts would filter through my head and Instagram became a place I wanted to avoid (which I did). Avoiding it also took a toll on my engagement which took a toll on me. It became a vicious cycle I couldn’t break.
BODY ISSUES. I don’t need to say much more and will have a full post on this next week but I gained a lot of weight living at my parents. Feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin has been the hardest of all the issues I’ve been dealing with. I’ll have more to say when I’m ready.
With this post I hope to just spill it all out…and move on. Thank you for your endless support and love. I honestly don’t know if I could have overcome the last few months without you guys. Your DM’s, sweet comments and love has pulled me through.
Thank you for sharing, Emily. I totally understand feeling depressed and out of it. Also, remodels are so hard because it’s constant banging noises and destruction that don’t make your house feel like home. Hang in there <3
Awww… makes me so sad to read that you believe you are not beautiful enough 😭 ( NO, YOU ARE NOT UGLY- Beauty is diverse and lays on simple things, and good qualities) unfortunately I myself know the struggle, I know exactly how it feels specially when you are not like that hot super skinny beautiful sexy and exuberant model that media portraits. So I decided to be happy with how others look, yes to accept that others are beautiful even more than me but I am still my own kind of beautiful. I suffered a lot from insecurities created from past relationships, and people tell me the same: you are crazy if you think you are not beautiful. Emily you are not crazy, I won’t tell you that, I feel compassion for you, the same thing I wanted people to feel about my situation not how they feel about my beauty; see my feelings not my skin. It’s a process to change your way of thinking and seeing yourself, if you have a negative thought about your person or looks and you keep thinking about it, it will become a belief , don’t let that happen to you. There are so many things I could tell you but just this:
Beauty fades and also everything that comes with it. You can’t be sad through the most glorious years of your life, because when you get old, only then you will see how silly you were thinking about such a thing. There’s people who are not even close to be “beautiful” but they are happy and that only, taught me that beauty and happiness are not the same thing they are not related. Happiness comes from within, a state of being satisfied with who we are, but in this case as you shared you aren’t, do what you can, in your own time, do everything you can to improve your situation, whatever bothers you. But don’t rely your happiness in looks or weight. You know another thing I learned: beautiful women suffer the most,(whatever the definition of that beauty means to you) they are treated like they are not ‘enough’ in many aspects, they are even told they are not “beautiful”, strong, smart ‘enough’. And I asked myself: who are those people? Nobody.
Beautiful Emely there’s more important things to be worried about, I don’t want to be rude. I am writing this in the most delicate way possible. I apologize also, because English is not my first language and I don’t want to be rude. Don’t let everything out either, don’t give power (information) to people., you are very sweet. You are a hard working women that’s what your IG presents we want to keep that image 🥰
Just a sweet reminder:
You work so hard girl, you need some time out, a vacation, a spa day, something. 💕
I think you will be fine soon
Best regards,
Mercy 💕
You are honestly one of my faves on Instagram because of your vulnerability! It’s okay to feel low sometimes. The best part about that is that you can only go up from there. I’m glad you’re home now and I really feel like you’ll start feeling better. And good luck on the baby! I’ll pray for you guys! Parenthood is the best even though it’s exhausting! 🙂 love, Corinth
Thanks for sharing your experiences. Glad you’re feeling better and back to your special creative, beautiful self. I look forward to your future posts. Best wishes,
Arlene